There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
