3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I want to fling myself into the sun
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
