so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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