I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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