wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just cut my nipple shaving
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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