he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
