all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
