Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
