if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
