why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
