Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
