I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
