Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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