margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
