There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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