Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
