Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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