don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
