Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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