So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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