And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
It's rum buckets o'clock
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
