I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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