The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You may now shotgun with the bride
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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