oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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