i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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