I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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