mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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