I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
