People in love make me want to vomit
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Oh god it's open bar.
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