I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
