I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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