turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
