You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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