Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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