last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
