my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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