she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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