As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
