I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
