I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
