if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
