Moan for me like Helen Keller
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
