just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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