I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
