he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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