before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
