I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
