i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I love you. Go after that dick
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
