You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
