sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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