Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
