Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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