i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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