So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
