Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
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