just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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