I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
