So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
