oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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