The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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