you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
