So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
