Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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