I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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