there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
