It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
