Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
